We can learn and access unconditional love in many ways - this is GREAT NEWS!
“You are loved when you brush your teeth,
You are loved when you won’t”
To all of the parents out there, what does this paragraph from my new book YOU ARE LOVED bring up for you? Is there are part of you that cringes at the thought of giving love to a child who does not do what is expected of them? I totally get it; I have that part sometimes too.
The concept of unconditional love can be a tricky one to wrap our heads (and hearts) around, especially when a child is demonstrating behaviour we are not thrilled with.
Many years ago, we were holidaying with another family. One of the parents was telling me a story about how their eldest had recently drawn all over the walls in green marker and that they were exasperated when it came to keeping up with the energy of this busy child. I flippantly said “oh, so you love them a little bit less at the moment?” and with wise and kind eyes, this parent looked directly at me (possibly shocked!) and said “Well, no, I get angry, and I set boundaries around their behaviour, but I never withdraw love”. “Huh?” I thought, the idea that we can both love someone and be firm, or even angry with them was new to me.
Over my career in mental health and wellbeing, which spans over 20 years, together with the wisdom gained from my life as a living, breathing, feeling human (which spans 45+ years!), I know that connection to ourselves and others is the strongest predictor of good mental health. We are neurobiologically wired for it, it gives meaning and purpose to our lives (Brene Brown). Where there is disconnection, there is disease, where there is connection there is flourishing.
Unconditional love/connection from a parent/caregiver (or even teacher or coach) can be transformative, if it is available. However, it simply won’t be for some of us, just as it won’t be for some of children with whom we work if we are educators. So, we, and they, need to find other ways to access it. This is the great news! We do not need to rely just on other people to give us this stable and secure ground of love and connection, we might discover that it is already within us, and it always has been. This sense of connection can be accessed in many ways, for me, meditation has been the most powerful, but there are other ways too.
We do not need to rely just on other people to give us this stable and secure ground of love and connection, we might discover that it is already within us, and it always has been.
Think about when you feel most connected and at home or at peace. For some of us it might be when we are surrounded by nature, for some of us it might be when we are living in line with our values or when doing something creative where we can let our heart sing. For our children it might be when they are playing with a pet or snuggling their favourite toy. It doesn’t really matter what the source of this love is, what matters is knowing that it is always there to rest back into and that it does not need to be earned. Knowing we are loved no matter what is life-changing and can free us to live to our fullest potential.
This is not to say the concept of unconditional love is easy, it has not been modeled for many of us and so it is brand new. However, as parents, we can do a few things to work with this realisation.
- Firstly, we can offer ourselves unconditional love and compassion (this could fall under the category of “re-parenting”, where we repair the inevitable damage from our own childhoods). We can remind ourselves that we too are still loved when we don’t brush our teeth or get the job or achieve some other goal. We are still worthy of love and belonging no matter what. Have you ever noticed when we feel badly towards ourselves, we tend to feel less connected or loved? I certainly have.
- Secondly, we can explore which of our unmet needs or expectations are getting in the way of our capacity to love our children without strings. We may ask ourselves, am I wanting my child to be different from who/how they inherently are? Why is that? Is it something about making me look like a “good” parent?
- Finally, we can support our kids to access the sense of unconditional love and connection for themselves in many ways, meditation being one. We might ask them how they feel when they are surrounded by nature or when they are absorbed in a creative endeavor. We might encourage them to pay attention to that sense of “fullness” in their body and to remember it so they can recall it when they need support to ride the stressors in everyday life. This is how we build resilience.
So, what will we do when, after reading YOU ARE LOVED with our child, the very next day they turn around and refuse to brush their teeth? Well, how would we deal with any other behaviour that creates risk for them? We might explain that while we understand they don’t want to brush their teeth, they need to for their own health and yes, we will still love them and then we will kindly, but firmly, set boundaries around this risky behaviour. We don’t want a generation of “good” children who ignore their own wisdom, intuition and creativity to fit in.
My vision is a future world full of grown-ups who trust themselves and do not need to hustle for a sense of love and belonging by “fitting in” or being “good. To achieve this, we might be wise to be teaching our kids how to access the unconditional sense of love and belonging that is their birthright. We also want them to brush their teeth of course. I mean, we all want a future of fulfilled grown-ups – preferably with a full set of healthy teeth to go along with their realised potential!