All of us have learned and integrated many things of which we are completely unaware. Subtle messages or rules about who we are, how we should be and how the world works.
In psychology, we call these “schemas” and, by and large, schemas are incredibly helpful. They allow us to organise and interpret vast amounts of information very quickly which means we can respond most effectively to our environment. Imagine if every time we went into a restaurant, we needed to relearn the process of asking for a table, sitting down, ordering from a menu, eating and then paying the bill! If we had to work it out every time, the whole thing would be exhausting!
The same goes for much more complex and much more important happenings in our lives. Within each of us there is a set of rules, beliefs and expectations that we have either learned or inherited. It is these stories that run our lives and provide the filter or lens through which we see the world. Our world. As the wonderful quote by Anais Nin declares:
“We do not see the world as it is, we see it as we are”
Our world is changing, we are waking up. We, as a society are starting to peel back and peer through some of our shared stories which, for better or for worse, served their purpose in years gone by. We are becoming aware of many mindless assumptions we make, or schemas we use and, rightly so, many of us are calling out previously accepted exhibitions of racism, sexism, classism, ableism and other “isms” I am not yet versed in. But I am learning. I am unlearning and I am learning, both at the same time.
But I am learning. I am unlearning and I am learning, both at the same time.
We must be careful however not to get caught up in the act of peering through the stories so that we forget the purpose of our original quest, which is surely to create a more loving, healthier, and safer world. When we find ourselves judging others for their lack of “wokeness” we might be wise to check ourselves, and the pedestal we may have put ourselves on and then see that for what it really is, just another story. We might then kindly, and with great compassion and curiosity, take them by the heart and invite them to see another way.
I am starting to really see some of my own stories. I have been delving into my personal stories for some time, but now it is time to explore my societal stories. My expectations about how the world outside of me “should” be.
Recently I was talking with a colleague about a medical procedure she was having, and I innocently asked about the surgeon and said, “what is his recommendation?”. She looked at me with kind eyes and said, “she has recommended xyz”. I was ashamed and embarrassed that I had completely, mindlessly assumed her surgeon was a man. My learned schema of a surgeon is a middle-aged man and the more I explored this assumption, the more I learned about the complexity of the tangled web that had been woven for me (and at some point I chose to continue to weave myself) when it comes to the roles of men and women. But we can use embarrassment and shame to help us to grow. We can feel the burning hot discomfort of being blinded by our schemas and still be committed to lifting the veil to learn more.
We can feel the burning hot discomfort of being blinded by our schemas and still be committed to lifting the veil to learn more.
Unfortunately our human conditioning is to recoil from discomfort, and, for good reason, it has been imperative to the survival of our species. We feel something sharp on our skin, we reflexively pull away to save ourselves from being hurt.
Now is not the time however for us to recoil from emotional discomfort (usually the wave of shame or embarrassment - you know the one?) of realising we have been or even are racist, sexist, classist or ableist. We need to accept it, own it and then make an effort to grow and change. Mindfulness and meditation and all the skills they offer us are incredibly valuable assets on this journey of seeing life, and ourselves as it is and as we are. Once we are up close and personal with reality, and the Truth, that is when we can really make a difference. We can burn, unlearn and learn together and continue our quest in creating a more loving, healthier and safer world for all our inhabitants.