Us and Our Kids and Perfectionism
I have been pondering perfectionism a lot lately. Mainly because I have lived with it much of my life, as do so many of my clients. Many people say to me “I am such a perfectionist” with a smile on their face, almost as if they are proud of this tendency. Many parents smugly comment about their children “oh they are such a perfectionist” and I have to say, this concerns me.
I am here to tell you that being a perfectionist, while having socially desirable consequences (which we will explore shortly), can have massive costs to our bodies and minds in the long-term.
A perfectionist is someone who holds themselves to excessively high standards and, once we achieve our ridiculous goals, we then spend hours picking holes in our performance and can find ourselves down the dark tunnel of shoulda, woulda, coulda. There is a lot of “shoulding” with perfectionism and each “should” is laden with expectation. We are an employer’s dream, we work hard with a sense of urgency, we skip lunch, and we stay back late, and we are always looking to improve. We are the perfect student, early to class, upset if we miss out on learning and devastated if we get any mark below an A. Unfortunately, we are also more likely to suffer from anxiety and depression, as well as mysterious chronic pain, and the possibility of burn out is high for most of us.
We are an employer’s dream, we work hard with a sense of urgency, we skip lunch, and we stay back late, and we are always looking to improve.
Perfectionism raises her beautifully made-up head for different reasons for everyone. Genetics play a part, as they do in most things, however, we do know it is more common amongst people who endured more stress early in their life and it is possible that being perfect was a survival mechanism. As kids we fundamentally just want to feel safe and loved, we want to belong. In fact, we need to belong for our very survival. If we grow up in an unpredictable or chaotic home (i.e. stressful) where there are particularly high standards (possibly due to a perfectionistic parent), it is likely we will behave in a way that ensures we do not add any more “stress” to the family system. We figure if we can control and manage ourselves to the highest possible standard, everything will settle down and maybe we will finally feel safe and loved. Our little nervous systems wire in a way that will keep us thinking/feeling and behaving in a way that will keep us safe, just as nature intended.
As an adult, unmade beds, unfolded laundry, an overflowing in-box (that little red circle with the mean number in it at the edge of my email is mocking me!) can all contribute to a feeling of unease within me. These days, I tend to be able to turn towards the perfectionist part of me, thank her for keeping me safe in the past and then let her know that actually, I am an adult now and I am very safe and very loved and now is the time to meditate/read or just simply, rest. Of course, there are also times I forget everything I have learned, am completely triggered and overreact to the smallest piece of criticism or negative feedback, which, my nervous system reads as a threat to my belonging to the tribe/group/club/family. Ultimately, being the social beings we are, we are all wired for interpersonal connection (to feel safe and loved) and if that is threatened, we can spin out.
So, what can we do for ourselves and for our kiddos?
1. Reality check, gratitude and rest – ask “does this really need to be done now and does it need to be done to this crazy high standard?” then listen carefully for the capital T truth (not the voice of the perfectionist inside you). If the perfectionistic part pipes up, we can say “thank you” to this part from our childhood and then we sit down, or better yet, lie down and rest, rest, rest.
2. Regulate ourselves and keep our inner perfectionist in the back seat – long slow out breaths and hugs are two handy ways to settle our amped up nervous systems (which can happen due to the stories our inner perfectionist creates for us). Research tells us THE BEST thing we can do for our kids is settle ourselves, especially in the early years when they predominantly “borrow” our nervous systems while theirs is developing.
3. Show unconditional love to our kids – so many of us accidently give our kids more attention/love when they are “good” or when they “achieve” things. Of course, we want our kids to be respectful and kind and to do well at life and of course we can set boundaries to support this, however it can be helpful to become conscious of our tendency to withdraw love from our child when they do not live up to our (sometimes ridiculously high) standards.
For those of us adults with perfectionistic traits, it is likely we will need to learn to live with them and manage them as best we can. However, when it comes to our kids, we can model and encourage a healthier way. We can model the human way, the way that is flawed and messy and imperfect. We can let go of the vision we had of the child that “should” be before us and instead love the one that is.
And now I am just going to proofread this article. Again.